Smothered...

"I should know how to handle this, I was born to."
"Calm down, you don`t have to handle anythig. You`re a teenager. You`re suppose to have problems and not understand them."
"But I want to. I need to. You don`t get it."
"Don`t get what?"
"Pressure. So much pressure from adults and high standards."
"What?"
"And me being a teen girl doesn`t make it any better. I makes it worse. It adds more to my list of stress. I honestly think I`m left with two choices."
"No..."
"Death or ..."
'No."
"There actaully is no other choice.... You see? People like you, like adults, cause this. cause us kids, us kids you tell to 'live life, get in trouble, run careless' us kids you set standards for. Standards to be the best we can be and then some. And not just any some. You want us to be perfect. To be better then perfect.To be something we are struggling for. Something we kill ourselves over. Something impossible."

Today was ok. Not much happened. I ended up going to my mom's house this morning because the water at my dad's wouldn't heat up, and I wasn`t feeling well enough to NOT take a shower. It`s pretty gross in the first place. My hand hasn`t healed at all. The doctor was worried and started mumbling about rebreaking my hand. So now I`m worried and scared. I really hate how this is working out. I mean, I can`t use my right hand and i write with this hand. I`m not allowed to move my hand at all, so typing this sin't making it any better. I should be in a cast, but instead, I hae to stay in a stupid splint for five more weeks. I won`t be surprised if it still hasn`t healed. I should be in a finger splint if I have to stay in a splint at all. This i ridiculous. "The ridiculous for the ridiculous." I guess you can say.
I think I need help. I`m not even kidding. Actually, I don`t think I need help as much as I need someone there to talk to and to get away. He was right, I need a vacation. I need to get away and clear my mind. Think things through. But He`s leaving probably after this school year, so my high school years are going to suck. Yea I'll be staying in touch with him, but besides that. I don`t even know any more. I`m getting to frustrated and I`m all ready wanting to rip my hand off. It seems like my hand is creating so much drama. It`s annoying me that I have to wear this, and when im annoyed I get frustrated, and when I`m frustrated I get a headache and then I feel clasuteraphobic or whatever, and I start to get mad and then I cry. I hate this! I want this to end! OhMyGod!

I wish I could just sleep this of. Sadly, I can`t. I can barely sleep enough as it is.
I Miss You.

Change and Plans are good(:

I`ll believe it all
There`s nothing I won`t understand
I`ll believe it all
I won`t let go of your hand

I was done my homework, dinner, and chores. So I was sitting in my room a moment ago and I realized something. My room is old. Boring. Bland. It`s the same. I want to change it. I want to repaint it, move stuff around, and get some artwork up on the walls. I mean, I have two twins beds, one wide dresser, one tall dresser, a vanity, and a small nightstand. It doesn`t leave me much floor space. But my mother told me we would be getting bunk beds soon, as long as my stepdad gave the ok. They don`t want to buy a bunk bed brand new, they want to get a used one. I have absolutely no problem with that. Because then, if it`s not the color I want, I can paint it.
What I want to do with is, and this is if we get bunkbeds, paint the walls either a deep red with white trim and white finishes on the furniture and white carpeting, or a darkish earthy green with dark natural wood finish. As I type this, I`m thinking about going with my second option. My floors are already that dark oak wood color, so I could just repaint the walls, sand and repaint the trim and finished, and its would be a lot less work. And money I think. I wouldn`t have to buy carpet, which i would imagine is rather exspensive. And the green, I think we already have that color from when my mother repainted the bathroom. So I wouldn`t have to buy a lot more. And I saw some wood stain I could use on the trim and finishes. But I wouldn`t have to buy a lot. I would have to the trim an touch up my bed frame(s). This is just color wise.
I want to get some artwork up on my walls and get rid of all my drawings and posters. Not all all, but most of them.
I want to see Michael Buble in concert. He`s coming to New York March 20th and I let my mom know. I`ve wanted to see him in concert ever since I heard him. Which was about a year ago. I put the tickets for the show in my want list in the post below this one or the post dated the 26th.
We had nothing better to do in social studies then sit and talk. I was having a bad day that day and he noticed. So he came over and we talked. He asked me what was wrong and how my life was going. I told him. He said I should go to wildwood with him. I want to, but I have to things to get past. My parents. They have a problem with me and going over a guys house to begin with. I doubt they`ll let me spend the night at his house, let alone his vacation house. And John. He`s my boyfriend and I don`t want him thinking something will happen. I know nothing will, but to persuade him that. I honestly don`t think he even knows what went down between HIM and me. I don`t think he knows our history and how we are to eachother now. He said he doesn`t mind me hanging out with my exs as long as nothing happens. And nothing will. I don`t want him to be one of those boyfriends who says I can`t hangout with certain people and who tries to control me. I hate guys like that. I hope thats not how he gets. I really hope not. If I an get past those people, then I can go. I don`t think I could stay down there ALL summer like he asked me, but like a week or something, I could. I don`t even think I could be that close to him for more then a month without going insane. Insane in a good way though. Promise.
I already know what I`m going to do to my hair over the summer. I am going to dye everything blonde first. And I`m thinking a little darker then whiteblonde. If thats a shade that is. Then once that has sat for two to three weeks, I`m going to dye everything but some strands dark blue. Then what ever I didn`t dye dark blue, I`m dying electric blue. I think that would look so hot.
I might have to take my industrial out. It`s been getting horribly infected and I think my body is rejecting it. But I`m not that bummed about it. I can always get the other thing I wanted. three hemlixs. They`re all going to be a different size. Biggest size to smallest size as it goes down. I asked my mom if I could get a monroe and she said no. So i asked again but added wait until im sixteen. she didn`t answer yet. So I`m hoping I can get my stepdad and my dad to talk to her, and I can just pay for it myself. She just has to let my dad sign for me.

Change and Plans are good(:

I have hello seattle by owl city stuck in my head. I think that's my favorite song by them.

I needed Something for a post since I haven`t posted something interesting in a while(:

sometimes people run away , just to see if anyone cares enough to follow

MUSIC(:
samson- Regina Spektor
Rose Red -Emilie Autumn
Undisclosed Desires -Muse
Not Gonna Get Us- T.A.T.U
Show Me Love- T.A.T.U
Sexting- Blood On The Dance Floor
Six Feet From The Edge- Creed
I Miss You- Blink182
Wish I`d Stayed- Ellie Goudling
Chuck Norris- hanni Kohl
World Of Warcraft- We Butter The Bread With Butter
Save The Last Dance For Me- Michael Buble
Come Fly With Me- Frank Sinatra
I  Kissed A Girl- Attack!Attack!
Boten Anne- Basshunter
Everything- Michael Buble
Say- John Mayer
Tranqulizer- William Control
War- Wumpscut
Go Away- Godsmack
LoversLoveLiarsLie- NeverShoutNever
New Function- My Parasites

LIKES:
Jazz music, pacman, dinosaurs, cupcakes, pirates, vintage style, 50s and 60s, color, peace, dark trim, unusualy shades of uncommon colors, muffins, coffee in the mornings, tea in the evening, chinese food, gold fish(animal), photography, scarfs, Alexander McQueen dresses, the smell of monster energy, autumn, the beach, roller coasters, swimming, running, Long flowing, strapless dresses, ivory color, reading, sleeping, friends, NYC, ridiculously large and unusual stuffed animals, acoustic songs, piano pieces, pie, those really wide and tall mirrors, twlight books better then the movies, scary movies but not by myself, drawing, paintings, art galleries, singing songs people don't know or listen to, going on walks.

WANTS:
NIkon d3000, velvet jacket, more skinnies, Big furry winter hat, to hang out with him all summer, have a monroe and my ear lobes peirced, have my whole head dyed dark and electric blue, gold contacts, laptop with photoshop the newer model, and what you see when you click the title of this blog(:

Sorry if this is boring. I don`t have an interesting life. Haa(:

I hope it happens one day...

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

I have Samson by Regina Spektor stuck in my head. It`s so pretty. I got my music teacher to help me learn to sing it. He did, so now I sing it all the time. This photo reminds me of that song.  The song makes me want to cuddle up with him and just lay there. Lay there in th grass of a meadow with bunches and bunches of beautiful wild flowers, a stream and a warm spring day, but not so warm we`re sweating, just warm enough to be comfortable. I love wild flowers, did you know that? Of course not. Now you do though. I love them. Especially buttercups, daisies, and Queen Anne's Lace. I wish someone, a guy who I`m close too actually, got my those flowers in a bunch. I would be so happy. I might actually kiss them. And I`m not kidding. I would be so excited, I would probably cry and smile and hug them and thank them until the world ends. I know, I`m ridiculous.
I also have Save The Last Dance For Me by Michael Buble. That song makes me want to get all dressed in a beautiful dress and go out to a dance in the setting in 'Dirty Dancing two'. That time period at least. I love dancing to music like that. Because you can do a mix of tango and ballroom dancing. I can kind of do tango, and I`m pretty good at ballroom dancing.
Sad thing is, I can`t picture doing any of that with John. I can only picture doing it with HIM. I`m saying he would all of it just for the fun of it..... but he`d be more open and willing to do it then John. I don`t think that`s bad to say. It`s honesty, so it can`t hurt.
All of what I ust typed was because of this adorable picture by m-ika, so is a friend of mine on deviantART. Here is is page: http://m-ika.deviantart.com/ . He is a very god photographer and I enjoy his work greatly.


YouCan`tHandleTheTruth.
Haha(:

Rapunzel.

“It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.”

I broke my first bone on thursday. My hand. I`m in a splint now, because the doctors don`t know if it`s broken enough to be in a cast yet. I already decided my colors; Purple with blue stripes. I told my doctor-who was scottish and really funny- that and he just laughed. He`s like, then keep the brace off so you`ll get the cast. And I have. Not because he told me to,m but because I can barely move my hand with it on, and since I write with that hand, I can`t write. I tried writing with my left, but it didn`t work. So I just take it off until it hurts too bad. Everybody seems so shocked and they keep asking what happened. I`m at the point where I think I`m going to record myself and just keep replaying it. I think the way I broke it is an original. I mean, how many people do you know, have broken a bone falling out of bed? Not many I`m guessing. Well, that`s how I broke it.

I don`t know weather I should love them, hate them, ignore them, or just let things be how they are. I want then to just deal with the fact. I want them to know my feelings, know what's what, and get over it. Get over what can be and what can`t be. I want them to know how things are, how things were, and how things will be. I want them to know that just because you're hot, or nice, or smart, I`m not gonna fall for you. There`s more to it then just looks and knowledge. Looks get you know where.
But you know what? It`s nice to want.

I need to get away. To let things unravel and work things out. To figure out how things are going to be. I can`t have my cake and eat it too. I need to not be so nice, a pushover, a girl who is sweet-talked into everything. I can`t be that anymore. I need to have some respect for myself and I have to be able to decide for myself. I need to deal with people not liking me. I need to not let people use me. I need to not let myself get guilted into things. I need to get out, enjoy my life, get in trouble, shoot for my goals and dreams. I`m never going to do that if I`m tied down by people and status and looks and words that unfortunately pour out of people's lips.

Think Before You Speak...

HesTheOneAndOnly(:
12.14.09
<3

You Me At Six(:

"I`m stronger then strongest drug you`ve ever had You can mix em all together and I`d still be twice as bad." -Sexting by Blood On The Dancefloor(:

I found out today he was moving next year. After this school year is done, he was leaving. I was walking out of my science class and was heading into my social studies class, when he pulled me aside. Now let me explain what we have before I go on. When I say we have something, I don`t mean we`re all over eachother; I don`t mean we`re dating and i`m secretly cheating on John(I hate cheaters therefore I would never do such a thing). I do mean we have feelings for eachother still. He knows I still love him and he`s said to me plenty of times he still has feelings for me. It`s kind of obvious to everyone else too. Almost everyone that is. We tell eachother almost everything. And this is something big. And when he told me he was moving I felt tears, and hate, and sadness, and ohmygosh! I just averted my eyes, bit my lip and nodded like always. He said I was the only person he still wanted to stay in touch with from the grove, and that made me blush. Ha... So I have to give him my e-mail and such. He has everything else.
Today was fun as ever. But only in social studies and health. Social studies was the best out of the two. We had a sub and the seats were moved, so everyone had to sit in different seats. I sat on the side with all my guy friends. We had a test today, and it was a huge four page test, front to back. No body new the answers, because we`ve been out of school for so long, and our new social studies teacher doesn`t really help us remember things. No body new a thing, and we had a hour to take it. The majority of the guys are troublemakers and don`t give a crap what people think. Before the test was handed out, they were all throwing things, screaming nonsense, and just being so funny. At least from my point of view. Then during the test it was worse. Three kids were written up and made the teacher mad so much. I couldn`t help but laugh.
Then in Health class, we had to take a hands on test on CPR. I was so nervous. But I got an ninety-eight on it and was rather proud of myself. I was so relieved. It felt like so much weight was lifted off of my shoulders. The whole time I was waiting for my turn, I was think 'what if I don`t pass? Does that mean I could never help someone who needed CPR? That means I`ll be a fail. OhMyGosh I want this to end. I want this to stop being important in school programs. Ridiculous!'. Now that I think about it, I`m laughing at myself. Listen to how paranoid I get. But that`s how I am sadly.

I`m gonna go call John and get my mind off things now(:
Baii lovelies.

Be Mine(:

I would but a "V" three, a heart, in my title, but it says that the code is not complete. I have no clue what code blogger is talking about, but I think a smilely works just fine.

So yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I went sledding, got chocolate from my daddy and stepdad. Oh, and a blue razz ring pop. Which turned my whole mouth blue. My lips were light blue, my tongue was dark blue, and my teeth were teal. Attractive, don't you think? Anyhoo, Valentine's Day is also John and my two month. Well, you see, most couple would hangout or call eachother if it was the last thing they ever did. Ha, I call him to say happy valentine's day and all that stuff, but when I ask for him, he`s in the city. Ha. I`m not complaining about him being in the city. It`s just, I told him I would call him, and he said he would wait for the call on sunday(Valentine's Day), and he left. I know his parents to make him go to the city. He goes with his cousin. I was just a tad frustrated.
On other news. Tomorrow I`m thinking i`m going to return the dresses and get my mother to drop my other dress of to get cleaned. Then, I`m going to admire the pretty graduation dress I`m using for this year and try to figure things out. Not graduation things. But HIM related things. It`s such complicated things. Sigh.
I think I make them seem more complicated them they really are, because I want to say things to him, but I either don`t know how to word them to make sense, or I know I don`t have the guts to say those things to him. Such a conflict I have on my hands. jabsdaljjshbnnekrnvef.

P.S. If you click on the title of this blog, you can see a picture of mine(: It`s for Valentine's Day of course. HopeYouLikeIt.
P.S.S No matter how much he frustrates me, I still love him(:

R.I.P McQueen

In the past, people were born royal. Nowadays, royalty comes from when you do.

If you love Alexander McQueen then you`ll be as sad as me. He has died. Most you reading this probably already new. I found out this morning. He was one of my favorite designers ever. I still love all his works. It`s so sad. I think in honor, I`m going to buy some of his clothes. My mother won`t let me get a dress, but they cost hundreds. Haha. And it was a simple one too. I still love it. I want to get a shirt buy him. If you click on the title of this blog it`ll take you to the shirt. I so want it. I know it`s a guy tank, but I`m still gonna get it, just in a really small size. I don`t care if it`s a bit baggy, it`ll just add to the effect of amazing. I`m gonna earn money for it.
One of my goals is earning money for my own stuff as much as possible. At least with little things under a hundred dollars. I can and I will. It`s gonna take me almost fifty-seven US dollars to buy it in thirty-six british pounds. How crazy is that. It`s kind of sad actually. How small of a value our dollar is compared to theirs. Wow.
I`ve been listening to a lot of Lady Gaga lately. I just uploaded a bunch of her music onto my laptop and onto my music player. That`s all I`ve been listening to. I don`t see why people diss her. She`s an amazing artist. I love her music so much.
I have a dress for graduation already. I don`t have to buy it or anything. It`s one of my aunt`s dresses. I was chillin in her room one day with her, and she pulled out a dress. It`s so beautiful but simple. It`s a sundress and have a really light pink solid color and then on top it`s like a slightly darker pink pattern. It`s so pretty. I love it. I`ll have to get pictures of it to show you.

OhMyGoodness(:
<3

I Was Too Nervous To Hold Your Hand, So I Walked Far Away From You

"..... It`s in your head..." -Zombie by The Crannberries

John(: came over today. He left a couple minutes ago actually. We chilled in my room and listened to music. But first, we went into the computer room and I showed him the song Mud Diggers. I forget who it`s by. Ask my sister. She`s the reason I know it. Anyway, when we were in my room, I got really nervous, because he was so close to me. Not nervous like he`s gonna do something. I always get nervous around him. I wouldn't consider it nervous though, it`s more like butterflies and blushing. I know I was blushing, because he kept smiling and my face kept feeling hot and tingly. I couldn't look at him without that happening. Then My sister, Him and I all walked to the store up the street. I was too nervous to hold his hand, so I walked three feet away from him. I was thinking rather hard on weather I should just suck it up and hold is hand and then kiss him or just suck it up and kiss him. Then I thought to myself; If you're too scared to hold his hand, what makes you think you could hold his hand and kiss him all in one shot? My sister picked on me for not holding his hand while we walked. I felt so bad. He probably felt uncomfortable because what she was saying.

I probably made it awkward. I always do. My mother always calls me an awkward child.  Ugh. I hate that flaw of mine. One of the many I think. Ha, my dad said I don`t have any flaws and I told him, "that you can see." He laughed. I was serious. Sigh.

Not counting today, there`s four days until Ashley`s party. I`m so excited it`s not even funny.  John`s coming over after school the day of, and I`m gonna teach him to slow dance. We decided, since he`s coming over after school, he`s just gonna get ready here. I told my sister that and she was like "Wouldn't that be weird though? I mean, you two are going out and they`ll be getting changed and ready in the same house. Creepy."

Aaaaah. ICan'tWait